When less explains more...

"Never complain, never explain."

~ a motto used by Queen Elizabeth, said to help her

maintain dignity in the face of scrutiny...

All questions are not alike. Not only in nature, but delivery - a tone, a tilt of a head or a piercing stare coming from the person doing the asking can change the landscape of conversation from innocent to threatening in a flash. You might sense a particular response is expected - the 'right' one - or, a question is followed by a long pause, the air so vacant it carries its own message...

"There's just 'something' about you..."

- who you are, what you do, what you know, the way you think, decisions you make, your taste, your judgment, or something you're not even aware of - whatever it is, the inquiry tells you you're

not quite right.

a thinking place

Wording matters, as does emphasis...

"Why did you do it that way?

"What made you think that?"

"How did you choose that?"

"Why didn't you go to the meeting?"

"Is that your best choice? I mean...the color...is it you"?

"Is that what you meant to convey when you...?"

Translation -

"Aren't you just a bit off?" (does this person know

something you don't?)

"Are you alright?" (you thought you were)

"Are you sure...?" (you were; now you're not)

You have your own questions...

"Do I have to answer this...? Do I want to...?"

For anyone fearing judgment or rejection, the ambiguity in delivery or the nothingness when a question is followed by silence, leaves you feeling squirmy and unsettled. In the normal rhythm of conversation the back and forth sounds of small talk act as a buffer, but with no volley, only commanding eyes and empty space, the spotlight is on you, revealing every single insecurity you've ever had. No hiding under its glare.

The tension you feel tells you there's no choice but to respond - to give the inquisitor what they're asking for - an explanation...

...it's the polite thing to do.

...you find it impossible to refuse any request.

...you trust that people ask because they care.

...assertion (refusal) is not your thing.

...you're a chronic people pleaser.

...you're driven by a need to prove your existence, your worth.

...you're in need of telling all you know to appear knowledgeable, up-to-date,

in-the-know, etc.

...you long for social acceptance. Not giving the other person what they want

is too risky.

...silence leaves you feeling visible and vulnerable - you must fill it

You accept the challenge, but instead of feeling satisfied with the answering, you feel worse watching yourself slide down the slippery slope of not explaining but, over-explaining. On and on you go, giving far more than was asked...

As you walk away, or hang up the phone, or on the drive home, the voice inside your head has more to say...

"I'm so embarrassed."

"I made such a fool of myself."

"What's wrong with me? I did it again! I just kept talking!"

"She made me feel like an idiot!"

"He must think I don't know what I'm talking about."

There's a lot said and written these days about simplicity and de-cluttering and 'slow' living, the focus on emptying closets and kitchens, sorting through and letting go. Experts urge us to want less, buy less, and think more wisely about what we need and how we spend our money and time. But what about words? What about how much we say? Might we think 'simplicity' when it comes to conversation, especially those times when we feel compelled to explain but would rather not - when it's not in our best interest?

Wanting simplicity is about wanting choice - deciding and discriminating - what's best and what works for the person you are or hope to be. It's about what you let in, what you don't. Reserve and choosing not to over-explain is a form of assertion, signaling confidence and trust in your own perspective, letting go of the need to justify yourself at every turn.

Keeping your response polite, but minimal is a way to set a quiet boundary, communicating self-assurance without challenge. Another way to achieve the simplicity and serenity you long to make your own.

In his soothing book, "The Creative Act; A Way of Being", producer and author Rick Rubin suggests, or I would say - offers permission to -

"Try to find the simplest, most elegant way to put your point across with the least amount of information."

He encourages us to see the damage we do to every creation, every offering, when we clutter up a beautiful piece of art with the unnecessary. Conversation is art.

Sit back. Pause. Breathe. Consider. Say less.

ah

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